From A Father

Labor is HARD. It is hard mentally. It is hard physically. It is hard emotionally.

Far and few are the labor stories where you head to the hospital and 10 minutes later you have a beautiful baby in your arms!

You are here because you are searching for ways to make this process easier, or at least bearable. Maybe you are trying to understand what to expect from the experience (Oh, what an experience it is!). Whatever your reason, you are in the right place.

As a first-time father, here is what I learned from the birth of our first child. The list is a boiled down version of everything we prepared for throughout the weeks leading up to the delivery summarized for you into 7 digestible steps!

1) Know the “Don’ts”

There are some things that just CANNOT be said in the delivery room… Every person is unique with their own pet peeves, annoyances, triggers that can make or break the mindset of a laboring partner. It is your job to make sure that the “don’ts” remain just that.

For my wife, one “don’t” was the word ‘babe’! Until this pregnancy, I had no idea that she was so bothered by the word. It literally makes her blood boil… SO it was my job to make sure the Nurses and Staff did not use the word “babe” or my wife would… well I have no idea what she would have done.

This trigger came up during our birthing class with the hospital (I would highly recommend taking the birthing class if your hospital offers it). The Nurse instructing the class kept saying: “Your beautiful babe“, “Your babe is trying to help you out”, “babe’s head”, “babe should be head down”, and so on. Every time the Nurse called the baby a “babe” I thought my wife was going to interrupt the class to correct her. Personally, I found this discovery funny and teased her at home afterwards with the word “babe”. However, this lasted a total of 2 times: once to realize this was an actual annoyance, and twice to realize she was serious…

Understandably, the word ‘babe‘ is a trivial “don’t”, but the sentiment is there. Another one of my wife’s “don’ts” was the epidural. She wanted to avoid having one at all costs. Have a conversation with your partner about their “don’ts” while in the delivery room. Maybe they don’t want the lights too bright, maybe they don’t want to spend too much time in the bed, maybe they don’t want any pain medication or intervention. These are all real conversation the two of you need to have, or have with yourself, before the big day arrives. Understanding what you are looking for, or in this case, not looking for is key to creating a positive birthing experience.

2) Go into the experience with a Positive Mindset

Mind over matter is a real thing. I have witnessed it with my own eyes. My wife endured a non-medicated, vaginal delivery thanks to her rock solid mindset.

In the weeks leading up to the due date, we both would visualize what the birthing experience might look like. As is human nature, our thoughts would drift towards the “what-ifs”. What if the baby’s heart rate drops? What if the cord is wrapped around their neck? What if something goes wrong? What if, what if, what if!

Your job is to keep your birthing partner in good sprits and foster positive visualizations.

Focus on the good things you both expect to happen. Have your partner visualize themselves holding the baby on their chest for the first time after birth. How excited and happy you both will be! Talk about how you will give them back massages as they masterfully breath through the contractions. Visualize yourselves slow dancing together in the delivery room. Picture yourselves laughing and kissing after the birth, having this little precious life right there in front of you!

When their mind strays to the negative, bring them back to the positive! Understandably, there may be known complications in advance of the birth. The point is not to ignore negative, but rather to focus on the positive.

If they believe they are going to have a successful birth, their body will reciprocate. If they believe everything is going to work out great, their body will help throughout the birth.

One book we found helpful was the idea of “Hypnobirthing”. Sounds radical, but hear me out! Hypnobirthing is a set of techniques to maintain a positive mindset using positive affirmations and visualization. My wife left herself notes for me to read to her and we developed a mantra to help through the pain (more on that below). She found the book very helpful and recommends it to all her friends and family (there is even a chapter in there for fathers/support partners). If you are interested in learning more, check out this book:

3) Constant Reminders

My wife went into her own little world; essentially like a trance. Two hours would go by and she was none the wiser. The two things she was constantly aware of were myself and the contractions. If your birthing partner is someone who will ignore everything around them and go into their own mind palace for comfort, then you need to be responsible for:

Constant reminders on all the practical measures and comforts available.

Do you need to use the bathroom? Would you like the yoga ball? The peanut pillow? A jacuzzi? Water? Do you need a Nurse? A blanket? A massage? Music? Peace and Quiet?

In those moments of active contractions, especially dilating from 6 cm to 10 cm, there is no position that is comfortable. Constantly reminding them of the comfort measures in place at the hospital may ground them. My wife found this helpful because she knew she would forget to drink her water or use the bathroom if not reminded.

Other things to remind your birthing partner is how much you love them! How proud you are of them for taking on the task of laboring. Remind them how far they have come, remind them of their accomplishments. Talk about a challenging thing they did in the past that they overcame. One of the things I kept reminding my wife was how many hours have gone by. After 10 hours, she liked knowing that she was most likely more than half way through the labor. She likes to countdown to the end of things so having that reminder that she was probably close to the end was helpful. That may not be helpful for everyone, so discuss these things with your birthing partner.

4) Have a Mantra

In between contractions is the most important time for your birthing partner to recuperate before the next one arrives. That one to two minutes seems quite long to you but it is very very short to your partner. They often feel like they cannot get a break and are being bombarded over and over by the waves of contractions.

Having a mantra can help ground your birthing partner in between contractions. Giving them something to focus on and something to repeat over and over in their heads.

Our mantra was:

“RELAX, RESTORE, RESET”

I dub this the three Rs

They need to RELAX so they give their body a break. Contractions are the Uterus tightening over and over again. Your birthing partner will also probably tighten other muscles to bear through the pain, like their face, hands, arms, legs, and feet. With everything tightening every two to three minutes, their body is yearning for a release. Encouraging your birthing partner to relax will help their body recuperate. A traditional relaxation test is to lift someone’s arm and let it drop; if it hits the bed they are relaxed, if it stops mid-air they are tense. I would not recommend trying this on your birthing partner unless you want them to unleash their tense energy onto you…

They need to RESTORE their mental and physical energies to prepare for the next contraction. One of the things I would say is “Restore so you can Endure”. Contractions are like a wave, so bearing through one is not as simple as “Its here… and now its gone”. The pain creeps up slowly to a peak and the dissipates gradually like a wave coming into the shore. Reminding your partner to restore helps them remember that contractions are temporary. There is a beginning and an end to them. As the peak fades away they can focus on recollecting and restoring their energy for the next one.

RESET is a reminder to start fresh with each contraction. Your birthing partner will not remember that they endured 12 hours of contractions so far, there is no concept of time when you are in that contraction cycle. Treat each contraction with a fresh attitude and attention. You may be tired of massaging their back, you may be tired from being awake all night, but they are just as tired. Reset you patience levels, reset your attitude, reset your loving reminders. They need you to be in it every bit as much as they are.

This all happens really really fast (every two to three minutes or so). So the more you repeat the more it will ground your partner for those precious moments. A few hours of this seems like an eternity to you but trust me, to them, it feels like only a moment. They will be grateful for positive reminders. Repeat the mantra as often as necessary while rubbing their back, holding their hand, or playing with their hair. “Relax, restore, reset… relax, restore, reset…. relax, restore, reset…”

5) Long Deep Breaths & Exhales

Breathing is a topic that deserves a post all on its own. There are plenty of books and resources available that discuss techniques that promote a positive mindset.

Our breathing technique of choice was the ‘low-and-slow’ method. Low guttural tones for long periods of time. Together we would make an “Oooh” sound on a low note and then I would start counting. “Breath in for one, two, three, four, and out for one, two, three, four, five, six. Low Tones my love. Great job, you are doing amazing. Okay, breath in for one, two, three….”

What I have to say about breathing is to really watch and listen to your partner’s breathing pattern. After a while or during a particularly painful contraction, my wife would start getting higher pitched and shorter breaths. Almost like hyperventilating coupled with the beginnings of a scream. This is the sound most typically seen in movies or on TV. That is how I knew the contractions were starting to get the better of her. This situation could easily take on a life of its own. The contractions would get the better of her and then she would start to spiral out of control and scream and hyperventilate in pain.

However, this is YOUR opportunity to step up and remind them to slow it down. Slow the breath, lower the tone. I would be right there with her, breathing with her and coaching her through the contraction: “Low tones my love. Oooooh. Great job. Even lower, Oooooh. That is awesome. That sounds really low. Keep going, you got this! Your body was made to do this”

Just being there with them, talking to them, coaching them, really helps ground your birthing partner. My wife would still be high pitched and whimpering for a breath cycle or two, but eventually she would get her tone lower and lower and she would center herself and slow the breath. To my recollection, she never got to the point of screaming throughout the entire labor. She was able to maintain the low tones and long breaths even for the most painful contractions.

6) Continuous Communication

It is hard to know what the experience feels like unless you yourself experience it. Throughout the pregnancy, I would constantly feel like nothing had changed for me. I could see the belly expanding, I knew our due date was creeping closer, but yet I couldn’t really fathom what was happening.

I like to describe it like a High School graduation. When you arrive at High School first day freshmen year, you know that someday you will graduate. There is a deadline (four years), there is a place (the auditorium), there are a set of procedures you will follow (walk across the stage, get the diploma, shake someone’s hand, take a picture), but it doesn’t feel real until the actual day of graduation. For labor, I knew there was a deadline (approximately the due date), a place (the birthing center), and the set of procedures (dilate to 10 cm, transition to pushing phase, push, deliver baby, cut the cord, skin-to-skin), but until you are in that delivery room it does NOT feel real.

This is all new to you and your partner so be open and communicate these feelings. They will be glad to hear what you are feeling and experiencing not only during the pregnancy but leading up to the delivery date too.

Don’t stop there! Constantly communicate throughout the labor as well. I would constantly talk through the contractions, while other contractions we would endure in silence. I took the cues from my wife and let her behavior guide mine. If she was breathing “low and slow” I would let her do her thing and just kind of support her with back rubs or physical touch. If her breaths were shorter and the tones higher pitched, I would step in with the reminders, breath coaching, the mantra, and whatever else she may have needed.

Communication is key. You cannot have enough of it but you can have too little of it. Decide with your partner ahead of time how much communication you both are comfortable with. Some partners want silence in the delivery room while others enjoy the hustle and bustle because it makes them feel like stuff is happening. Some couples predetermine signs in case they lose the ability to speak coherently. For example, hand squeeze once for yes twice for no. Or blink once for yes, twice for no.

Work together and figure out what communication method works best for you!

7) Be Adaptable

Going into labor and delivery my wife and I had this whole vision of how it would play out. She wanted to utilize the jacuzzi as much as possible. She wanted to walk the entire unit over and over again. She wanted to use the yoga ball and squat bar to get the baby in position. She wanted to maximize her time out of the hospital bed. She wanted to deliver on her hands and knees to have gravity help get the baby out. She wanted minimal to no medical intervention.

I can vouch that it went probably 30 – 40% of what we planned and the rest was the complete opposite of what we imagined.

We did use the jacuzzi three or four times through the labor. But we walked one lap around the birthing unit early in the labor and then never left the room again. We used the yoga ball early in the labor but then never used it again. Never even took out the squat bar. Spent almost the entire labor in the bed. She started the pushing phase on her hands and knees but grew tired. So she switched to being on her side and then eventually on her back for the final pushes. She did survive without any medical intervention which I was incredibly impressed by. She is a warrior.

Point is, expect the unexpected. Even with all the practice, training, classes, visualizations, our birth experience was completely unique and improvised. You will never know what your birthing experience will be like until it happens. Stay positive and go with the flow. Their body will dictate the course of the labor, it will tell them what they need and how they need it. Your job is to adapt and support in whatever capacity is necessary.

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Conclusions

Whether you are a first, second, third, fourth, fifth time parent, these techniques are a good reminder of how to support your partner during labor! As soon as the baby is born, everything goes out the window! You forget the past 24 hours and are honed in on this little lifeform wriggling right before your eyes.

Know the “Don’ts”, Stay Positive, Set Reminders, Have a Mantra, Breath, Communicate, Adapt!

You got this!

Thank you for taking the time to learn about our experience with labor and delivery. Leave a comment below for future topics you would like to see!

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